zhijia's blog

was reading zhijia's blog about her status-identity confusion.
i dont even dare to ask myself the same question.
attached is too strong a word.
isn't is?

i finally realise what's wrong with me. everytime there's this question as to who should do the dirty job - the report, i glance around and realise these people have their dates waiting for them to end the project meeting.
so i volunteered.
that's why i'm ended up with the stuff no one wants to do.
so i curse and swear.
but i'm only pissed.
not sad.
cos it takes my mind off things.
then i realise i asked for it.
this is what i want.
so why am i complaining?
because i'm spending my days in solitude.
with my laptop.
because there's no where else i'm willing to go.

beacause i know me. i'm not stupid.
i just think too much and put myself in misery.
the smartest women are the ones who see and pretend not to; who know and feign ignorance.
but i'm not.
yet i'm not entirely stupid.
so i'm stuck.

the descriptions i use..
usually depicts the vortex, cages, prison.
do you think i have no idea what i am writing?
am i really that blind to my emotions? my inner voices?
it's hardest to admit one's flaws and weaknesses.
to acknowledge own's vulnerability.
especailly for someone as proud as me.

i'm jealous when i see people leading simple lifestyles.
never mind the lack of wealth. as long as they're happy.
i'm jealous when i see couples in uniforms kissing at bus stops.
never mind the criticisms. as long as they're happy together.

i'm jealous that they dont have to worry about what i have to.
i'm jealous that i have to constantly keep up or i'll lag behind.
i'm jealous that no one cares about what they do but everyone criticizes what i do.
i envy them because no one is watching them fall.
no one is hoping for them to fall.

it's not that i'm not good enough.
five years later your answer will still be the same.
but it's not an excuse i'll buy.
i know there's a gap i cannot fill.
her shadows you cannot erase.