denial

i am in denial.
i still love him.
i know i do.
that's why it hurts to detect that tone.
that's why it hurts when people ask me if i have a boyfriend.
that's why it hurts so terribly when people accuses me of flirting around when all i'm trying to do is to forget.
but i know,
and i know,
it's all over.

except to me it's not.
how can i see a flawless man despite his selfishness?
it was always about him.
yet i loved him most.
i'm scared,
i dont want to be trapped here.
i dont want people to slip pass me. chances to fade away.
then realise 10 years later that i was too stubborn.
that i didnt love him so.
i was just blinded.
i cant force myself to like someone.
it never went past "respect" because i wasnt even considering.
i never did because i'm stupid.
i still am.
he's moved on, given up on this impossible relationship.
tell me : why am i still here?
the exact same spot?
it's been months.
months.
months and i'm still not out of his shadows.

i still think i love him.

pages and pages of "i don't love him" painted in my diary.
i cant convince myself.
i still cant!

i cant live knowing that he doesnt love me, so i've avoided that question.
i cant survive knowing that i love him.
it belittles my existence.

this is ridiculous.
i know people are going to make some crappy comments again.
i need some form of intoxication.
those that numbs me permanently.
not those that let me wake up halfway to feel the pain again.