meaningless rambling

even i'm amazed at how early i'm home today.
exam's over. it's a saturday.
i'm just trying to prove them wrong.
or maybe prove myself wrong.

let me explain...
i have a reputation. bad one.
for going out with guys and stuff.
guys i'm not even interested in as well.
just.. going out.

let me tell you how this bad habit started.
at first, i wanted my boyfriend to notice me, take time off whatever he was busy with, and pay attention to me.
which of course, was incredibly naive of me.
he did realise of course, but he didnt care. because he knew my intention - which was not too hard to read.
but after that, when there was no need to piss him off anymore, i couldnt get rid of this habit.
i cant stay idle.
so when people call, i just go out.

but of course i've changed.
tamer, perhaps cause of the good influences around me.
or because i know this is getting nowhere.
everything's getting nowhere. (this entry included)
so now i'm tired.
i want a change.
but i cant get rid of this "label".
change's not easy, especially when the preception's formed.
let me quote you an example. i used to like blue. i still do, but i get blue stuff as gifts, or when people pick stuff for me. it's always blue. so when i do things like change this blogskin to pink, they're shocked. so now i think i like blue. i'm not sure if it's because i do or because people tell me i do.

i'm a little confused.

sometimes i wish i have more courage. and a sense of moral. i've been too selfish. thinking only about myself. i lack a conscience. that i am aware of. a year ago, i will tell you all i need is my friends and to be loved by the ones i love. now i will tell you - i want security. i just need to convince myself that it's what i know i need and not what i think i need because someone tells me so.