confessions

Alas!

i have time to blog.
never mind that i'm almost closing my eyes..
this seems to be my only source of comfort for now.

for the past few weeks i'm only thinking one question
"is this right?"

we're so different.

our hopes, dreams, aspirations, expectations.
right down to the way we view basic relationship with people.

everytime i see you i have this mixed fusion of feelings and thoughts.
you have the most calming effect on me.
occasionally you feel like an obligation.
or the sweetest creature to cross my path.
and the most complex being i've ever seen.
and i cant explain this affection.

maybe i'm just taking you for an intellectual whore.
maybe you mean a little more to me.
maybe i like you more than i'm willing to admit.
and i cant explain this need for you.
maybe its because i cant grasp your thoughts.
or comprehend your actions.
maybe its because i feel this tinge of jealousy when you talk about other girls.
i wonder if you feel the same.

what do you want?
what are you thinking?

i gave up thinking because i'm not sure if i want to know the answer.
if it doesnt make me any happier, i'll rather not know.

all i know is i'm fed up when i wake up in the morning knowing that i wont see you today.
do i know why?
just try not to screw my life up.

i'm freaking tired.
physically, mentally, and emotionally.
games are just too.. taxing for me.

i hate it when the fear kicks in.
i hate it when i'm not the rational person thinking logical stuff.
i hate it when i cant express myself in words.
i hate it when i say things i dont mean.
i hate it more when i refuse to say things that i mean.
i hate it because you are confusing me.

how hard is it to give me a clear yes or no answer?