the other girl.

it's true i have a diary.
it's also true that i don't write in it anymore.
not because i have no frustrations or thoughts i want to dump inside. hell, no.
it's cos the mere sight of it irks me so much i've stashed it away.

it's true i hated shopping alone. everytime he has last minute committments, i roam the malls alone.
now i've grown so accustomed to it i'm starting to wonder if i actually liked this isolation. for the past month, i've spent at least 4 out of every 7 days roaming the malls, strolling in the neighbourhood, walking by the beach.
all alone. the bitter irony is that all i need to do, is call, and i wouldnt need to trudge alone.
i cant say i like that feeling. no matter how peaceful the nights are, i hate spending it alone. not to mention walking along deserted streets.
but i suppose it gives me time to think, or tire myself out before i go to sleep.
or rather, before i sit up in the bed to wait for the first rays of light before i i fall into a slumber.
that's why i was actually happy when mum had a tiff with dad so she could sleep with me. that's how sadist i was.
that's how it is.

that's why i have extreme reactions when you guys call me at 3 am. either i'm damn pissed that you wake me up after i finally get to sleep, or i'm really glad you called cos i was bored.

i wonder if this extremity of boredom is normal.

it's true i'm indulging in self-pity.
how pathetic.
so now i do everything i can by myself so no one else can fail me.

waiyue would have been so disappointed in me.
nah. not disappointed.
i think the word is despise.

two years ago she would have jeered at people like me.
proud, arrogant, and refusing to admit that she's wrong, or inferior.
which idiot will admit that she's a bitch with pride? she would?
that's not bravery. it's stupidity. it's easy to tell. stupidity is easily reflected on the result slips.
she would have said "why do it? leave it to others."

i think she forgot to mention that she's not a slut.
i wonder why everyone seem to think so.
or that she's not rich,
or smart,
or pretty.

ugh. she sucks. who in the world is she to comment and make fun of other people? to criticise them? that fat ass.

i hated her two years back. i hate her more now.

and you know what? when this guys tells you he likes you, i cant believe you told him you're attached. because he's probably the only guy in the whole world that fell in love with your character.
or what? the lack of it?
because you know it would disappoint him if he ever found out you're not the same person anymore. no longer thoughtful, confident. nah.. all you are left is a shrewd, self-centered airhead.
and what will you do? shut out everyone from your past?
or hide? and cover it with more lies?

because this life you're leading now no longer belongs to you.
you're just doing what others want.
you're not who you are.
you're who they made you to be.
technically, you dont exist anymore.

so if you dont exist, you have no right to be angry with people who forgets your existence.