escape

i'm fond of escaping.
when i was young, i would crawl into the closet when i was afraid or sad.
to hide in the dark enclosed area. it was warm, but i suppose that's partly the reason why i like to hide there.
then i would cry. in muffled choked sobs.
and i would sit there, crouched in there, motionless.
and i would tell myself to be brave. to not expose my flaws and invulnerability.
i feared. i despaired.
then as if to stop myself from crying or to keep myself sane, i would bite my own hand.
then the pain would overwhelm my fear.
and the teethmarks will remind me that i needed to wipe my tears, put on a mask, and walk back into the world again.

recently my tutorial mate caught me sinking my teeth into my hand.
and then i realised there was probably uncertainty in me.
or fear.
i do not know.
but i do know that my form of escape has to be different.
my closet can no longer sustain my weight.

but again.
where can i run to?