silence

the streets are deserted. occasionally the sound of a dangerous bike or a bus screeching to a stop, other than that, the silence feels almost overwhelmingly claustrophobic.. as if.. engulfing..
i cant think of a better word.
but again, i cant think.
these few days i've been furiously thinking.
the means versus ends ethics issues..

more importantly, can i keep up with my sanity?
people keep telling me i'm crazy.
i know i am.
it's almost as if i'm talking to myself half the time.
i wonder if i'll get hallucinations anytime soon.
i wake up in the middle of the night to realise i was sleeping.
somehow the reminder that the possibility that i may be insane doesnt help.
i walk around the mall looking at the same stuff at the same stores although knowing i've inspected the same kind of products over and over again.
i stare at my phone as if i'll rip it apart if it doesnt ring soon.
i sit up immediately when my phone vibrates at the other end of the room.
i dont know what's traumatising me.
somehow i seem to have a part of an erased memory..
like some sort of forgotten past.
but i see me. the same me in the mirror.
what can be so different?
i sleep every night waking up more tired than before -
as if my bed had been draining me of my energy.
and all of a sudden i detest this silence.
i detest this silence.
it drives me to think
to fear
to see
that perhaps..
just perhaps, i do have split personalities..
or maybe it's just because i cant decide to live my live in a logical or passionate way..
perhaps because i dont know what kind of life i want.
or is it?

perhaps i'll rather believe that i've lost my mind?
that doesnt sound very smart. does it?