insist

insist - that's the exact word used.
i insist.

i do.

i think it's incredible.
the way i manage to get out of insane situations.
the way i'm still surviving.
i have a hunch i'm still whirling around.. in the vortex.
apparently we all are.

all our lives, pursuing an education, a lifestyle,
all our lives working our asses off to pay off the bloody loans...
education, computer, car, apartment..
and then the screaming kids.
i dont know which is worse.

i wanted to live my life the way i want it to be.
society has a problem with that, so i'm to follow those bloody rules or go to jail.
my choice.

i wanted this world to be ours.
to not give a damn about what others think.
apparently not.

because everytime a relationship doesnt work out, i know it's my fault.
because i insist - i thought persistence is a positive trait.
obviously i was wrong.
no, this world is not about 2 people.
it's about us, and our mothers/kids/work/school/wives*
*delete as applicable.
but when i learn that i can no longer believe in what you say,
that we no longer share the same dreams, it's time to wake up and move on.
"you're not the only one for me"
that's all i can say.
saying is not believing.
when i finally realise the reason why i'm caught in this maelstrom is because i still believed in us.
then the despair creeps in.
5 years is too long for me.

i'm still trying to find the key to the problem.
it means i'm not giving up on us.
i think i'm out of my mind.
it's insane.
i am insane.
when falling in love became too painful,
you know you've experienced it.