relationships

i've always assumed that i'm tired because i'm physically drained. apparantly not.
i hate to admit that i'm probably depressed, mentally disturbed, or suffering from the symptoms which screams "go to a shrink". no. i'm just tired of life. sick of the fact that everything i cant control seems to be my fault. that i'm appearing to be an immature attention seeking child.
no matter how hard i try, something never seems right.
there's this voice warning me that i have been too critical of myself. i've done too many stupid things in my life. made too many foolish mistakes. mostly regretted. what i've been trying to run away from.
this repressed rebellious character attempts to conform to society's expectations. but no, society has a problem with whatever she does. even the man she loves most turns his back on her. i've never been able to display my emotions well. physically, at least. i dont know what i'm hiding, or hiding from.
i've never really wanted anything unless i really needed it. this applies to everything. to a selfish extent. even people. it's always about me.
or so i thought. how can i be so selfish?
i've always felt that i'm not good enough for him. never smart enough, or streetwise.. or maybe because i dont have what it takes to be a good girlfriend - or so everyone tells me. i give up easily. never persistent about relationships because somehow i dont have the stamina to do so. i'm always the one who ends it. except this time. i dont want it to end.
because i've never felt so strongly for anyone before.
i should have seen it coming and yet i was so blinded by my stubborness.
did i really think he has no time for me? and that a phonecall was almost impossible?
everytime i tell myself.. never mind, he's busy.
i make excuses for him. at one point in my life i was so determined to give up anything to be with the man i love. or so i claim to love.
now i have so many questions.. unanswered.
i dont know if he ever loved me.
i dont think there's another woman in his life like he claims.
i dont know why things turned out this way. is it my fault?
what went wrong?
i admit i was infatuated from the start. i dont know why. i remember every single date.
2nd april - the first time he held my hand
20th april - the first time we kissed
this things were never important to him. no. but to me?
because i never knew what security was in this relationship. i've never felt it. i could only beg to spend time with him. it was my only shelter.
when i started fearing, i didnt know who to turn to. for the first time in my life i was helpless.
i remember last time, even if i was deavastated, i can always run to the girls and wail about the unsensitive guys.
but him? no. i dont know what to say.
i dont know how.
he's the only reason why i'm hanging on. something to look forward to. some sort of.. comfort.
now he's taking it away from me.
he's shutting me out.
i cant tell myself it's over.
not this way.
not unless he tells me why.