compromise

how in the world is compromising going to work if it's only a one way effort?
why does it sound as if i'm asking for the impossible?

all i need is quality time spent.

sky

the sun's blinding me.
but i cant help but admit the beauty of it.
seems like a long time since i've been at home at this time to see my room bathed in its rays.
the heat's intense, but i suppose it keeps this place incredibly warm.. so i'm not exactly complaining.

i realised i have been cooped up in this cage so often that i have not interacted with my parents for some time. to prevent myself from screaming at them or i just couldnt be bothered, i do not know.

i'm appearing to be a disturbed little girl.
haha.

still playful, but disturbed.

heheh.

but i must say, these rows of flats are ruining the view from my window.
these rectangular boxes with rectangular windows framed with rectangular air conditioners.
maybe that explains why i'm disturbed.

express

i do realise i've been driving myself mentally and emotionally into a corner. such that i'm too scared to move.
yes, i assume my stupidity is overwhelming.
so is that confused feeling, that rage, and that fear.

there are many things i dont understand.
i've tried to, but i still dont.

i used to have the ability to express myself through words.
strong intense emotions put down in writing.
now i cant.
i cant make my intentions known. the fear, joy, agony, disappointment...
the despair.

no, these remains within. that i have lost the power through words, that i have lost this part of me.

the lack of expression. does this not trap me?
to seal these unwritten words. does this not maim me?

repetition intensifies.
no, not when i'm stuck in this vortex.
the repeated fear and uncertainty drags the unfinished story.
no, not here.
repetition is prison.

break it.

i've been looking for the answer. i've found it.
then i realise that the pursue is the experience i wanted.
not the answer.
the answer's poison to my ears.

let me do what i want, regardless of how reckless and self-centered it may seem.
let me live my life the way i want it to be.
save your comments.

marketing

i'm just glad i didnt screw marketing.. no doubt it feels as though i was arrowed, but hell, i managed to "smoked" through.

or maybe it was the skirt.

haha.

people do tell me i have nice legs..
perhaps i would have passed driving the first time round if i did that.
sounds despicable?

heheh.

and yes, i'm in a fabulous mood.. came back after watching movie.. and too lazy to study tonight.. oh well, here's a happy entry dedicated to my dearest poh liang.
=)

everything's going on fine.. except for chelsea's disgusting winning streak. haha.

marketing

no one strolls into class and tells the professor that marketing is crap.
but i did.
he wasnt very happy, but i suppose he cant sue me for pointing the obvious..
i suppose i'm being stubborn again.
very stubborn.. but hey.. we do have a freedom of speech..
what's the use of being a public speaker when you cant be vocal?
but i suppose jac pointed out something which was devastatingly obvious..
he's grading my presentations..
so hell.. damnit.. i should think before i speak
and i do know that my classmates think i'm a bimbo.
it's not really that hilarious after some time.
especially since i think he'll mark me down tomorrow..
pray for me.

bus

i was at the bus stop when a red nissan went past me
i dont recognise that car.
somehow it made me stop and look
the way it went past me.. it stopped at the junction rather far away.
a woman, and her child, seated at the passenger seat. far and blurred.
i couldnt stop staring.. the car was far
but i could not help staring.
i missed my bus.

i couldnt make out the driver.
my intuition tells me i KNOW him.

morning call

i used to get morning calls.
reminding me to go to school.
a happy voice waking me up.. hoarse like mine.. just crawled out from the blankets.

this morning i woke up at 5.30. and went back to sleep.. thinking i'll get that call..
so i could steal a few more minutes with my teddy bear.
i woke up half an hour to realise i was late.

and no one was going to call me.


i still take things for granted.

clear

at one point in my life, i was sure of what i wanted. the lifestyle that i wanted to lead, to be proud about.
now, i am very sure of what i want.
certain things and incident make people grow, make them crawl out from their shelters, make them realise that the world out there is as dangerously beautiful, make them see the temptations out there, make them realise that the society is not just them and their proud individuals.
it's all clear.
this game is simple.
the strongest survives.
i have to be strong.. perhaps like the line in naruto, to protect those important to me.
meanwhile, it's self defense.

stupid

i feel stupid
i'm not supposed to. i'm an undergrad.. in a rather prestigious course
and that happens to be the exact problem!
i hate these people
they walk in, let me know instantly that i am not intelligent,
and have to tell me that i am stupid straight in the face.
let me hammer this reality into my pea brain
stupid
it's not fair
what took me hours to decipher took them only minutes to produce flawless answers.
it's not fair.
it's so disgusting
i hate my life
i hate school
i hate this
i hate financial management

bothered

bothered.
perhaps.
i seem to have lost the words to explain my intentions.
i seem to hide.
i see nothing wrong.. just the defensive nature that may be consuming me.
other than that. no. nothing else.
just the lingering reverberations.

grandmother

in loving memory of my grandmother.

18 january 2005

nil

i've been quarreling with my dad recently
i'm half hoping he'll chase me out
i dont belong here

sorry

sorry.
i have deleted my blog.