load

i had no idea it takes so damn bloody long for my blog to load when i you access it from school. it's like.. woah.. imagine if you were using the conventional telephone line.. i'll probably die waiting.. but again.. thank god i'm using a cable and a g band router at home. if not.. sigh..
everyone's right, i have no patience.. at all.
somehow i'm actually feeling a sense of guilt.. perhaps that's conscience..
if i even have one.
i've been a nasty girl.. acting in the name of reason and logic, but happily ignoring all other values and emotions/passions..
alright.. lena's done writing her blog.. i better bitch another day..
sigh.

theory

theory of the day:

"chocolates make people happy"

-rick

english

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 78% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 76% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 74% on Beginner You scored higher than 10% on Intermediate You scored higher than 68% on Advanced You scored higher than 78% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

lover

quote of the day:

"one can be a lover without sighing"

-jianshun

wedding bells

tip(s) of the day:

"live today like there is no tomorrow. dont worry about what others think."

- firdaus

"if your boyfriend satisfy the following criteria:
1. is proud
2. is not exactly as intelligent as you
act stupid."

-ivan


i hope to hear wedding bells ring.
not for myself of course, i gave up on that.
no. alvin and mk. i've seen them together, broken up, and patched up again.
and yes, i envy them.
=)

it's been so many years. it's amazing isnt it?

but i dont believe in fairy tales anymore.
cinderella married the guy for his wealth. the prince didnt discover the literacy gap between them. they probably had to argue over how many kids to have.
sleeping beauty was probably a lazy woman. and for how long has she slept for again? a little old, isnt she? and she was rebellious. she did what others told her not to do.
little mermaid probably forbade prince eric to eat anything that looked suspiciously like sebastian, a.k.a. no seafood. the poor guy.
what about snow white? she must have been one stupid woman. very stupid to fall for such tricks. and didnt her stepmother die a tragic death? how cruel.
ar.. but there's belle! she's lucky isn't she? no one suspected her of ulterior motives when she fell in love with a beast. and she was a bookworm too.. how touching. but she was overwhelmed by the wealth and the lifestyle of that place, wasnt she? the wonders of money.

ar.. so what was my topic again? weddings..
oh..
:'(
i'm sorry. i got carried away.

tip

tip of the day:

"love like you've never been burned"

-johnny

chlorpheniramine

all it took was 4 chlorpheniramine tablets to get me into a forced state of hibernation for 18 hours straight.
i had no idea it was that strong, or i probably would have cut down on them.
it's primary use was not for sleeplessness.
rather, it was used to cure flu.
but i needed the sleep, and i dont know what to tell the doctor. that what? i'm losing my sanity?
there are side effects of course. mainly i woke up with a headache, and i'm not supposed to drive if i have half of the teeny weeny tablet.
but i suppose the warning message's good for me.
firstly, no alcohol, so i'm going to keep to it. the last time i mixed half of the pill and beer, i almost passed out. now that i'm taking 8 times the dose, drinking would be suicidal. ( p.s. if anyone wants to end their lives, do me a favour and read ziwei's blog. if you're lazy to, remember, no slashing of wrists and no drug overdose. and by the way, suicide's illegal) which reminds me.. i cant have a criminal record because the credibility of accountants and auditors are their only source of survival. get tainted and well.. refer to the italics above.
secondly, i havnt been driving in a while. because i am a road hazard and i know it. so it's not exactly a problem to me since jac's around for the time being until his license gets revoked cos of the wonderful red light camera. the wonders of technology. so now, i'm planning to save up to buy a concession pass to take the 4 hour public transport. which is a pain because i never liked school. and i have an info-comm lesson that only lasts for 1 hour on tuesday.
that's it.
i'm skipping school.

relationships

i've always assumed that i'm tired because i'm physically drained. apparantly not.
i hate to admit that i'm probably depressed, mentally disturbed, or suffering from the symptoms which screams "go to a shrink". no. i'm just tired of life. sick of the fact that everything i cant control seems to be my fault. that i'm appearing to be an immature attention seeking child.
no matter how hard i try, something never seems right.
there's this voice warning me that i have been too critical of myself. i've done too many stupid things in my life. made too many foolish mistakes. mostly regretted. what i've been trying to run away from.
this repressed rebellious character attempts to conform to society's expectations. but no, society has a problem with whatever she does. even the man she loves most turns his back on her. i've never been able to display my emotions well. physically, at least. i dont know what i'm hiding, or hiding from.
i've never really wanted anything unless i really needed it. this applies to everything. to a selfish extent. even people. it's always about me.
or so i thought. how can i be so selfish?
i've always felt that i'm not good enough for him. never smart enough, or streetwise.. or maybe because i dont have what it takes to be a good girlfriend - or so everyone tells me. i give up easily. never persistent about relationships because somehow i dont have the stamina to do so. i'm always the one who ends it. except this time. i dont want it to end.
because i've never felt so strongly for anyone before.
i should have seen it coming and yet i was so blinded by my stubborness.
did i really think he has no time for me? and that a phonecall was almost impossible?
everytime i tell myself.. never mind, he's busy.
i make excuses for him. at one point in my life i was so determined to give up anything to be with the man i love. or so i claim to love.
now i have so many questions.. unanswered.
i dont know if he ever loved me.
i dont think there's another woman in his life like he claims.
i dont know why things turned out this way. is it my fault?
what went wrong?
i admit i was infatuated from the start. i dont know why. i remember every single date.
2nd april - the first time he held my hand
20th april - the first time we kissed
this things were never important to him. no. but to me?
because i never knew what security was in this relationship. i've never felt it. i could only beg to spend time with him. it was my only shelter.
when i started fearing, i didnt know who to turn to. for the first time in my life i was helpless.
i remember last time, even if i was deavastated, i can always run to the girls and wail about the unsensitive guys.
but him? no. i dont know what to say.
i dont know how.
he's the only reason why i'm hanging on. something to look forward to. some sort of.. comfort.
now he's taking it away from me.
he's shutting me out.
i cant tell myself it's over.
not this way.
not unless he tells me why.

flunk

i know i flunked my quiz. everyone assumed i didnt study for it.
i did.
cant blame me if i'm not cut out for accounting.

Killiney Road

"are you at killiney road?" someone asked me this question via sms as i was unlocking the door to my home.
it's not the first time another's mistaken for me.
an uncanny resemblance, they claim..
i've seen someone that looks like myself as well..

it's not bad that to be that girl he spotted though.. it seems that she has a gorgeous boyfriend.
sigh~ somehow i dont think that sounds like a good omen.

financial management quiz

FM quiz.. ladies and gentlemen.. i'm slacking again.. and proud to announce it..
where the guilt?
i dont know myself.
i've barely started.. sleeping til 2 in the afternoon..
nah.. that is so wrong of me.
but.. since when have i cared about academic matters?
i think i'm impossible.
i have time for everything but decent serious work.
literally everything.. it's back to the " i-hate-work-lets-crawl-under-my-blankets " mentality i guess.
i try to convince myself that i dont have to be dependant.
after all, i have plans..
get a car and an apartment before 30.. right?
seems so bleak. doesnt it?

let's all sell our souls to the devil himself..
live today as if there is no tomorrow.

call

it seems that i have a lot of unhappy stuff to bitch about, but this left me fuming.

let me illustrate the contents of a particular phone call -

phone rings.
(caller ID: male friend)
owner of phone (aka owner): hello.
female voice (aka woman): why did you sms my husband?
owner: huh??!!
woman: is there some sort of hanky panky going on? why did you sms my husband such a personal stuff?
owner: what personal stuff? the only message i sent him today was about work!
woman: no! it's personal! dont think i dont know. you also sms him during chinese new year and valentine's day!
owner: well, i'm afraid that if that is what you think, i'm sorry. but my relationship with your husband is strictly a boss-employee relationship.
woman: i better not find anything going on between the both of you. dont cross the line.

what a stupid woman. if i'm her husband i'll be terribly ashamed of her. hello!! people forward messages to every single soul on their phone lists when there's new year or something fanciful like that coming up right??

insecure women.
no, i dont hate her.
i pity her.
she has no trust in her own husband she swore an oath with.
pathetic soul.

it's just a thing i hate - being misunderstood when you hang out with men. doesnt matter if they are not married. as long as they're attached, hide. somehow all the wives and girlfriend hates you. after all, your reputation isnt exactly perfect.

communication

i'm tired, attempting to cut off all forms of communication. especially msn.
this isolation seems devastatingly appealing to me.
yes, i like that idea.

it seems that i think very differently from rong.
even the type of houses we have in mind.
shows how we depict our future.. i believe..
she's probably more family oriented.

i think parents that hit their children in public should be hanged.
i dont believe in beating the hell out of the poor kid.
if you cant handle a child, dont give birth to one.
i remember reprimanding a mother for violently dragging the kid across the street.
she shot a dirty look at me and said "what do you know? you wont know how frustrated i am!"
i smiled and replied.. "what do you know? i'm a mother, i dont have any trouble handling my kids.." out of spite, of course..
she almost murdered me.

i refuse to believe that americans can bring their kids up without reaching for the rod but singaporeans cant.

it's just excuses.

running away from the correct way of disciplining your kids..
taking the easy way out and blaming your kids.
you cowards.

happy birthday

happy birthday to him who wouldnt be reading this.

colour

my life's not black and white.
extremes, perhaps.
but the gray shadows casts over it.

people tend to see one side of me.
they speculate.
after all, isnt this the girl who outrageously flirts and leads an insanely indecent life?

that's what i have been told.
seems that "slut" seems to be the exact word.

a friend of mine woke me up with his call.
it's been years since i've met him.
but this guy, more than a friend - a brother or counsellor perhaps.
who never fails to be here when i need him the most.
he's seen the strongest and weakest side of me.

a little problem with his girlfriend.. it seems..
and i was the only one willing to listen?

somehow, the topic of my love life interests everyone that know me.
quoting yiyun's "doggie's very concerned."
yes. perhaps.

but he asked me," you're not exactly pretty. how is it possible that you still manage to attract guys?"
awfully wicked of him.. i know.. but it's not the first time i've been questioned this way.
haha.
i have no idea.
so i asked him, "so why were you once in love with me?"

then i realised.

because he has seen that side of me others have not seen.
yet,
to have seen me change.
no one likes me the way i am now.

no one sees beyond that - the girl within.
but once they do, they'll leave me.
like he did.
i'm not sure about the rest.
i never believed that they understood me.
or perhaps because i've never thought of them as a soulmate.

diet

i'm beginning to wonder if i'm suffering from the symptoms of morning sickness.
haha
and my huge appetite..
my expanding waistline isnt exactly a good indicator.
sigh. anything but that.

or eating disorders? perhaps.
i'm not sure though.
i've been through that stage.. right?
once i refused to eat. i thought i was fat.
then later, eating was the only way to destress.
now?

now i'm incredibly heavy for my height.
i dont care though.
i'm not sure why i have this attitude though.

there's always a trade off. i'll rather be a happy and fat than aneroxic.
at least. that's what i'm trying to convince myself.

tired

i'm kinda tired.
of school.. life.. relationships..
this mundane routine kills me.
everyday i wake up with a horrible sense of deja vu.
like today was yesterday.
and tomorrow is today.
and i will refuse to wake up.
even when 3 alarms blast in my ear.
i'll just lie on the bed, under the covers and pretend not to have existed - and the world wouldnt miss me.
until i manage to pinch or slap myself.
to wake up to reality.
then memories will run through my mind.
to see what i've missed.
then i'll see images of tutorials, mrts, and him.
then i'll delete that image from my mind,
take a deep breathe and sit up.

to see myself back in my own room.
nowhere else.
and the lingering perfume on my pillow no matter how many times i change the sheets.
i'm just missing the warmth.

profound

it's not the first time people complain that my blog's too profound and abstract.
usually i'll just shrug and deny this.
but recently, the numbers are overwhelming.
of course, people who know me and have been reading my pissrantings are used to it.
still, i'm quite disturbed at the fact that i'm not "communicating".
like shakespearean language needing to be interpreted and deciphered.
a lot of "work" to be done. it seems.
tiring to read beneath the literal meanings.
or perhaps my messed up structure. like master yoda.
why? cos these ideas flow faster than i can write or type..
perhaps even think properly.
it's just a mass of emotions or thoughts. not statements or accounts of happenings.
which explains why i'm usually held accountable for hurtful things i wrote.

i'm just quite curious to know..
how bad is it?

optician

damn.. first the cute dentists.. now the opticians..
am i in luck or what?
:)

story

doesnt it feel as if i'm writing a soap opera?
this wretched creature telling the whole bloody world how pathetic she is.
perhaps not.
perhaps not.

i've changed.
no longer sashaying into classes.
no.
like a chained mustang, except that fire's been put out.
no longer craving for the vast lands.
tamed.
afraid.

no longer an indivual.
only following orders.
only listening to what others say.
living by their rules and beliefs.
conforming.
no, not the leader. now part of its herded cattle.

it's hard to find the reasons why.
yet it's been staring at me in the face.
the prisoner begs..
at your mercy- to be allowed to remain in these cells.
is it not true?
the world outside scares her.
she fears it as much as it fears her.

yes i do.
i do.

to be shut in.
to shut out.
these cells are the only source of comfort, are they not?
to seek solace.
the familiar setting.
these whom she knows, she feels for, she refuses to give up.
let her out- she'll find a way to get back in.
eventually.

to run back to face those familiar walls when everything else fails her.
to seek those unfulfiled promises from a fickle politician.
to seek the results of the casted die.

tears

"u only live life once
as long as u're happy it doesnt matter"

"no point crying cuz of these pple
one day u'll learn that ur tears are the only source of comfort when u're really lost
not now
not when u still have us"

that's what i told diana.

tell me.
why are my tears flowing then?

bitch

seen the gang of bitches in suits today?
yep.. that's us all right..
the destroyers.. spoiling the market with our standards.
seriously, i dont give a damn.
the prof seemed pleased.
that's all i need to know.
besides, i still think i look like a waitress.
a lady on the train pointed to me and told her little girl.. must study hard and be like jie jie (sister) , be a manager- rich.
at least the rest thought i looked like a lawyer.

i've never really understood why i seem to be the only kid worrying about budget in class.
doesnt make sense to me.
their parents are accountants, managers, CEOs..
i hate to admit that i've been childishly resenting my parents.
my dad for not being someone who plans for the future, making me end up with so much bloody debts. i hated my grandfather for having the passion for fast cars, changing every now and them, wasting money (i think i got that trait from him), my mom for spending so much money on stuff we dont need and quitting her job cause she "wasnt happy", my brother for thinking we're filthy rich and spending my share of the allowance. because i know most kids dont have to worry about how to spend the last ten bucks, or worry if there's enough money for their little brother to go to school. or when they can finally pay off their education loans. and they can pester their parents for a car.
yes. i selfishly thought so.
guilty as charged.

but i know they've been living off this measely sum.

i shouldnt have learnt driving.
should have taken bike lessons.

yes, we had our fair shair of rich happy days.
ages ago.
and yes, i have that face that spells rich.

so what?

even if i have money,
i know these people will happily live off me.
all of them.
who hasnt woken up to reality.

insist

insist - that's the exact word used.
i insist.

i do.

i think it's incredible.
the way i manage to get out of insane situations.
the way i'm still surviving.
i have a hunch i'm still whirling around.. in the vortex.
apparently we all are.

all our lives, pursuing an education, a lifestyle,
all our lives working our asses off to pay off the bloody loans...
education, computer, car, apartment..
and then the screaming kids.
i dont know which is worse.

i wanted to live my life the way i want it to be.
society has a problem with that, so i'm to follow those bloody rules or go to jail.
my choice.

i wanted this world to be ours.
to not give a damn about what others think.
apparently not.

because everytime a relationship doesnt work out, i know it's my fault.
because i insist - i thought persistence is a positive trait.
obviously i was wrong.
no, this world is not about 2 people.
it's about us, and our mothers/kids/work/school/wives*
*delete as applicable.
but when i learn that i can no longer believe in what you say,
that we no longer share the same dreams, it's time to wake up and move on.
"you're not the only one for me"
that's all i can say.
saying is not believing.
when i finally realise the reason why i'm caught in this maelstrom is because i still believed in us.
then the despair creeps in.
5 years is too long for me.

i'm still trying to find the key to the problem.
it means i'm not giving up on us.
i think i'm out of my mind.
it's insane.
i am insane.
when falling in love became too painful,
you know you've experienced it.

food

sometimes i think having four meals a days a little too much.. i mean, since my breakfast and lunch comes from mac..
i think i should control my diet, but again.. it's this "i'm hungry" thing that constantly pops up in my mind.
and the fact that i'm not gaining weight seems to encourage me more..
take about negative reinforcement.

i finally got my 12 hours of sleep i so desperately lack.
nope, i still havnt finish all those trash waiting for me to settle.
who gives a damn?
i dont want to suffer from depression and jump off a building or something.
grades are a teeny weeny part of my life..
i suppose if i can say that to myself a few more times i can somehow convince myself.
i hope..

i still have the habit of playing with my ring, the way it wraps loosely round my finger.
why the ring? other dont like the idea of telling people that they're attached. neither do i, since i'm not anyway. it's to help people not waste their time.
somehow i think these games tire me too much.

denial

i am in denial.
i still love him.
i know i do.
that's why it hurts to detect that tone.
that's why it hurts when people ask me if i have a boyfriend.
that's why it hurts so terribly when people accuses me of flirting around when all i'm trying to do is to forget.
but i know,
and i know,
it's all over.

except to me it's not.
how can i see a flawless man despite his selfishness?
it was always about him.
yet i loved him most.
i'm scared,
i dont want to be trapped here.
i dont want people to slip pass me. chances to fade away.
then realise 10 years later that i was too stubborn.
that i didnt love him so.
i was just blinded.
i cant force myself to like someone.
it never went past "respect" because i wasnt even considering.
i never did because i'm stupid.
i still am.
he's moved on, given up on this impossible relationship.
tell me : why am i still here?
the exact same spot?
it's been months.
months.
months and i'm still not out of his shadows.

i still think i love him.

pages and pages of "i don't love him" painted in my diary.
i cant convince myself.
i still cant!

i cant live knowing that he doesnt love me, so i've avoided that question.
i cant survive knowing that i love him.
it belittles my existence.

this is ridiculous.
i know people are going to make some crappy comments again.
i need some form of intoxication.
those that numbs me permanently.
not those that let me wake up halfway to feel the pain again.

bus

i was talking to wenjie about relationships.
he asked me "are you materialistic?"

he assumed i only go for guys with cars.

i remember i took the bus. once.
with him when the car was not available.
that was probably the best trip i had.

week

let me give a little update for this disgusting week.
i suppose, besides those irritating projects, the only thing i've been doing is slacking, and staring at jac for at least 4 hours a day.
yes, i am complaining.
but well, i do like the mirror in the car.
haha

anyway, i suppose my fringe is growing back.
so it wasnt that bad. at least it didnt look that bad (at least from that lancer's mirror's point of view)
okok. my point of view.

=)

i'm in a better mood. probably because i finally had fish and chips at swenson's with wenjie.. first time after my wisdom tooth removal. so the two naruto freaks ate watching naruto from an IBM T42 (yes, my dream laptop).

and well, accounting report's done.

i need to buy a suit for marketing.

there goes my money again.
i suppose i need a job.
but i'm too lazy...
miss those days when i was working.. at least i could spend as much as i liked without having to worry.
sigh.

bliss

this whole week feels blissful.
haha.
chauffered around like a tai-tai.
seriously, dont think i should get too used to it.

i still take people for granted.

that's freaking evil of me.
but again, i'm damn tired of the whole f**king world anyway.
i dont think it matters to others what i do.
either follow the rules or dont get caught breaking them.
i'm tired.
i've been plunging head first into all sorts of difficult situations.

date

i've been trying to fill my slots after lesson so i dont have an excuse to meet him.
so i'm always "busy" or "meeting someone"
and yes, i think i am running away.
but again, i think i am being a little stubborn as usual.
but i dont have a strong threshold for pain.

anyway, dragged lena and jac out for dinner last night.
yawn.. i think we tortured the poor guy too much.
but he didnt complain.
and lena was a little quiet. too quiet.
hmm....