hu Beneath The Masks: July 2005

Beneath The Masks

WHERE PEOPLE REVEAL THEMSELVES

Friday, July 29, 2005

today

today was a lousy day.

first i woke up with terrible gastric pain cos of the coffee i drank the night before.

next dad tells me he's retrenched - no one in the family is going to bring home any income, so i went job hunting which ended up pathetic.

then i had to break my watch. not just any watch but the one the man i loved most gave me. i was almost certain it means that fate has ended. bad omen, bad omen.


i'm think i shouldnt get it repaired.what's the point? the real thing that i want to repair is beyond my reach.

and, RS couldnt find me when we were supposed to meet. i must look stupid in a helmet i dont know how to wear.

his friends were crappy, but the cute ones were all attached.

i got home knowing that there's probably no chemistry and he's never going to ask me out again.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

successful man

while i was chatting with XiangRong yesterday, he asked me a very interesting question that.. well.. kind of made me stop and think. an extract of the conversation:


Xiangrong:
how do u define a successful man????

Xiangrong:
come guess

*W a I y U e* :
the one w a successful woman

*W a I y U e* :
u cant say that i'm wrong

Xiangrong:
a better guess

Xiangrong:
A successful man is someone that can earn more than his wife can spend (which is such an cliche answer)

Xiangrong:
how about a successful women

Xiangrong:
A successful women is someone that can find such a man

*W a I y U e* :
he's filthy rich but fiercely faithful and loves you to bits

*W a I y U e* :
how's that for a successful man

Xiangrong:
okok BU CHUO * for NOT BAD

*W a I y U e* ~ :
so what's your answer

Xiangrong:
hes filthy rich got a lot of mistress but only love his wife

which, in my opinion, is crap.

if you only love your wife, why would you have a lot of mistress?
ladies?! watch out for such men.

Xiangrong:
the Xiangrong's theory

*W a I y U e* :
wad happened to the "fiercely faithful" part

*W a I y U e* :
tt's waiyue-theory

Xiangrong:
Who cares

*W a I y U e* :
I DO

Xiangrong:
how bout fiercely unfaithful

*W a I y U e* :
no way

Xiangrong:
but at least the guy loves his wife most ma

*W a I y U e* :
still
that's cheating


Xiangrong:
give some leeway can??

*W a I y U e* :
he wouldn't have mistresses if he loved his wife

Xiangrong:
dun tell the wife lor

Xiangrong:
cause too boring ma

Xiangrong:
if he dont have mistress

Xiangrong:
he would have divorced the wife lor

Xiangrong:
hahaha

*W a I y U e* ~ life needs a reset button says:
BULLSHIT

Xiangrong:
he needs excitement

and then we see the familiar excuses they all give.

Men~

Saturday, July 23, 2005

property

so we can get a loan over eons. it would very much seem like a piece of wonderful news for a person who's dying to own an apartment.. say.. like me?

so i actually set down and picture the near future..

when i'm 30, i buy a house, pay it over 30 years, reach 60, get my CPF and squander it over 5 years, and life expectancy is 80 years, i'm going to be a beggar for 15 more years..

that is, unless i demortgage my apartment.

which will eventually only get me peanuts.. and i mean.. really peanuts.

which is of course not a good bargain.

enough about such dry topic which no one cares about.. after all, who's insane enough to think about such crap at the age of 20?

got this NKF peanuts joke.

so i've finally convinced myself that i dont like god, cos he (or i believe "she") hasnt given me a reason for existence.
this pathetic outlook as derived together with yiyun as we decided that perhaps living our lives like a vermin or leech doesnt constitute "existence".

but again, that applies to most of us reading this crap, doesnt it?

what a shame.

when what we do doesnt impact the world in a positive way, except turn oxygen into carbon dioxide for the plants, or create wastes so that people have jobs to do to clear it up, other than that, we spend our lives trying hard to make a difference by causing more global warming in an attempt to kill the human population on earth.

basically, we overrate ourselves over other lifeforms, deprive them over their right to roam free..

and we should be ashamed.

perhaps the way i value life is too extreme. but again, i always have been. look out of the window. one day, all these you see can easily disappear, all in the name of the destructive force of nature. but perhaps, ourselves?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

pictures

peeps.. if you want to download the pictures.. go here. it's a very big file though!
huixin, kailin, me, lena, kaijing
lena, kailin
kailin, huixin, diana, lena, kaijing
kailin, huixin, diana, lena, kaijing.. again
kailin, diana
huixin, kailin and diana
diana and i
diana, me
diana
diana's artistic impression of lena and i
lena and i
diana
lena and i on our crazy photo mission
lena and i
lena and me..
it's still us
lena, me again

Sunday, July 17, 2005

the path

at one point of our lives, i'm pretty sure we've looked back at the paths we took and we ask ourselves.. have we made a wrong turn somewhere? so why did you take that path? because it had been laid for you in perfect concrete, tile by tile? because it has been trodden by followers before you? or because it is a path none has been to? to prove your worth?

and as we look back, we all try to evaluate if this path is right, if the right decision had been made, if we all, at some point of time had made any mistake, or silently praise ourselves for overcoming a challenge no others dared to face.

because once i knew exactly which path to take. which turn to make. what to avoid. when to rest.

and now i stumble every few steps, and i wonder if i'm the same person i knew. if i overestimated myself, if i should never have taken this path in the first place. or perhaps i've lost more strength than i realised?

now i'm at the cross roads once again. and i dont have the courage to take another step.

i'm just tossing coins to decide and living life as if i dont need to take responsibility for anything i do.

and it's not right.

because i'm wasting the seconds that may mean everything to someone else.

Friday, July 15, 2005

My love affair with Desktop (a.k.a the computer)....

Yes, I had an affair with Desktop.

It started about 5yrs ago, when I was in Sec 3. I remember how I felt when He first came to me. The excitment... The anticipation... Pinching my chubby cheeks so tightly to make sure it's not just a dream.

He was PERFECT~(pronouce it as PUURRRFECT). Great "looks", sexy "voice", fulfilled my wishes with such speed and efficiency. He was always there to keep me entertained whenever I was bored. I prayed everyday that good days like these will never end. How naive i was.
Slowly, but surely, things started to deteriorate. He wasn't as fast/efficient as before. Things between us started LAGGING. No matter how hard I try, things just didn't work out. Pampering Him with upgrades... threatening to leave Him for another.. . even brainwashing Him didn't work. I consoled myself... telling myself that things like these just happens.. it's all "normal". Yes I know... I was in denial.

Recently, things got worst. There were times when I couldn't turn Him on. I tried all means to fix this problem. When I FINALLY could turn Him on, I thought everything was back to "normal". But who could have known? A few days later, I couldn't turn Him on again! This.. "on... off.. on... off" cycle drove me nuts. I was so tempted to leave Him. To just... RUN AWAY.. But somehow... I didn't. These words kept repeating themselves in my head, "Stay gal.. Don't let go...".

And so I stayed. I lost count of the number of times I wanna crack His brains out with my hammer/guitar/*fill in your own items here*. "What kept you going??", I hear people ask. Well, we did have good times together... the games... the jokes... the movies... the songs... sigh~ I kept deluding myself.. thinking I could... somehow... get things back to where they were.

But this morning, everything changed. He left me. He left me here... helpless... alone... I tried to get Him back. Hours passed... countless attempts to bring Him back to me.

Feelings of anguish... frustration.. I was utterly devastated..

I knew this day was coming. But I wasn't expecting it to be so soon. It just wasn't meant to be. So it's today... 15 July 2005... I ended my affair with Desktop.

So what have I learnt from this? Well, I can't always have my way. When something has to end, it HAS TO END. I've learnt to be grateful for all the good times I had with Desktop. I've learnt to "move on". And of course, I'm looking forward to the future.. Wish me luck!!


DISCLAIMER: To all my buddies... Dun worry about me... I'm ok.. My current affair with "Exclusion Clause" is keeping me sane.. v happy already.. And I know, this affair with "Exclusion Clause" could end the same way it did with Desktop.. But.. I'm keeping my spirits up.. Pray for me..




Thursday, July 14, 2005

marriage

when i broke up and told people about my failed relationship, closed friends just went "oh.." (because they know me too well) while certain people looked at me in amazement "you actually have a boyfriend? since when?".

of course people assume that everyone will share the good news with them, when they are attached. i mean, why not? bring your guy out, rob him of his credit limit to prove his worth. i'm no femme fatale. but me robbing a guy is the last thing i'll brag about.

i do openly show my every single emotion but most men are turned off or scared by these intentions. at least, in this conservative society, i suppose they assume you dont mean what you say when you can blatantly shout your intentions.

yet they always say that one should be truthful in relationships.

when there is no trust, no amount of truth helps.

so what should you do? act shy? can you fake blushes?

i dont know.

everyone's sick of my whining when i get dumped.

i'm sick of people telling me in every single line "my girlfriend.." or "my boyfriend..". i'm so not interested to know what you do in your free time, or what she says (that doesnt makes sense) that's so important to you, or what he got you every week for your weekly anniversary or crap like that. do you even have an opinion of your own?

sour grapes? perhaps.

but your life isnt about them, it doesnt revolve 24/7 around them, does it?

make do without a chauffeur, without an atm, or a cuddly teddy. everyone can do without a special someone in their lives. so when that someone leaves them, what are they to do? get the needs of something else.

if not, choose exile. it's not exactly the best way out. but it's an escape.

how long have i been running away. have you been?

but when i turned round to face my problem, everything's changed. my problem has mutated like some virus.

this game of two remains the same, except he has becomed stronger, but i'm the same, except now weak and vulnerable in comparison.

and i run away all over again.

no one said it was easy.

unlike the curse of marriage, the biological clock never waits. it's never up to you to choose whether to move on.

i choose exile.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

photo album

sorry if this page has been turned into a makeshift photo album instead of the regular blog entries.

i mean, there's lots to blog about given the political situation in a certain country, but i really am too tired to comment about how intelligent it is to send your husband into "exile" and let him escape jail or any form of punishment. my imaginary three year old son tells me that he's probably happily gambling in Las Vegas.

although i must say, although i'm half cursing those people behind the london blasts, i admire them for their manipulation of the media. just when all eyes were on London after the olympic bid crap, they decide to blow london up, how very smart.

it's amazing isnt it? i suspect that they have been planning it for years.

but again that's what i think.. i've been too lazy to read the papers or what the critics have to say, not that i think you guys care about what i blabble here anyway. deep inside i know i seriously dont care. we've all been exposed to such violent acts or scandals every other day. seeing people make a fool of themselves, seeing politicians use the most beautiful promises to paint the future they may never be able to live up to, seeing fathers kill sons and friends shooting each other. no, deep inside i think we're all numb.

but we all realise that these are not just on TV or in the papers. it stares at us in the face and slaps us. reality, that is, painful, sad, and true. perhaps some glorified by the pens of the journalists, perhaps some already commented by them in a biased manner. this life, this world, is so much shaped by the media - we live in the world they create. we live in the world and know what this world is like because it is what they tell us it's like.

i think we fail to see anymore.
guirong and jocelin
jocelin and me

Saturday, July 09, 2005

esplanade

after having dinner at bugis, we [jocelin, lena, and jac dean] travelled to the esplanade just to drink and take pictures. talk about being sane. not that i'm drunk, but i admit i feel terrible. i had like the worst-tasting beer ever [ranked right below absolute vodka] and i had a hard time happily throwing up in the shower. i'm just thankful we took a cab and jac wasnt the driver because given his sharp turns, i think the lancer would have been a terrible place to stay in. so now i feel terrible, but at least i know it's impossible to suffer from a hangover since i didnt drink much.

last time i swore never to drink and drive, i think it's time to stop drinking altogether.
yeah.. when i actually grow sick of the intoxication, perhaps i will.
jocelin, me and lena
jocelin and i trying to tickle jac
the four of us
jocelin, jac and me
jocelin, [eh..] lena? and jac
jac and me
me and lena
jocelin and jac
lena, myself and jac making faces. [i cant tell if jac was making faces]
lena, myself and jac
lena and me, jac extra at the background. try to ignore him.
lena and me.. blur photo. dont ask why.
the esplanade
jocelin, me, and lena

Sunday, July 03, 2005

suntec

we kind of celebrated kaijing and jocelin's very belated birthday today. considering the fact that there were no cakes, i suppose it's not exactly a full celebration. but anyway, enjoy the pictures!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

may kuan, kaijing, and me
kailin, jocelin and me
kailin and me
jac and me
suntec fountain

Friday, July 01, 2005

birthday

doesnt it feel damn good to be alive?

i love birthdays. happy birthday to madwinter!

cherish every moment.