zhijia's blog

was reading zhijia's blog about her status-identity confusion.
i dont even dare to ask myself the same question.
attached is too strong a word.
isn't is?

i finally realise what's wrong with me. everytime there's this question as to who should do the dirty job - the report, i glance around and realise these people have their dates waiting for them to end the project meeting.
so i volunteered.
that's why i'm ended up with the stuff no one wants to do.
so i curse and swear.
but i'm only pissed.
not sad.
cos it takes my mind off things.
then i realise i asked for it.
this is what i want.
so why am i complaining?
because i'm spending my days in solitude.
with my laptop.
because there's no where else i'm willing to go.

beacause i know me. i'm not stupid.
i just think too much and put myself in misery.
the smartest women are the ones who see and pretend not to; who know and feign ignorance.
but i'm not.
yet i'm not entirely stupid.
so i'm stuck.

the descriptions i use..
usually depicts the vortex, cages, prison.
do you think i have no idea what i am writing?
am i really that blind to my emotions? my inner voices?
it's hardest to admit one's flaws and weaknesses.
to acknowledge own's vulnerability.
especailly for someone as proud as me.

i'm jealous when i see people leading simple lifestyles.
never mind the lack of wealth. as long as they're happy.
i'm jealous when i see couples in uniforms kissing at bus stops.
never mind the criticisms. as long as they're happy together.

i'm jealous that they dont have to worry about what i have to.
i'm jealous that i have to constantly keep up or i'll lag behind.
i'm jealous that no one cares about what they do but everyone criticizes what i do.
i envy them because no one is watching them fall.
no one is hoping for them to fall.

it's not that i'm not good enough.
five years later your answer will still be the same.
but it's not an excuse i'll buy.
i know there's a gap i cannot fill.
her shadows you cannot erase.

pissed

i'm so freaking pissed.
and i know i've been acting like a bitch.
seriously. this is my life.
back off.

explode

i'm going to explode.
marketing, financial management, accounting.
all due.
damn it. it's probably easier to marry a rich guy and be a tai-tai then ace these disgusting stuff.
seriously.
i need a break.
big one.
maybe going overseas isnt such a bad idea.
=)

liar

It's just another heartache on my list.
i suppose.
i hate liars.
that's why i hate myself.

i keep thinking.. there's no way to redeem myself.
it's like even if you think you can, you tend to think otherwise when others point out your weaknesses.
it's like attempting the impossible.

sometimes i think society's a terrible cage.
the norms, the status quo..
it's like we're all caged birds.
do this, look here, stay away from that.
we're all puppets, all of us.
stringed. chained. trapped.

all of us.
creatures that are detested.
creatures that we detest.

mansell

mansell.
why am i dedicating this entry to this dear friend of mine?
because he never fails to message me at the right time.
somehow when i'm feeling down, i'll receive something that cheers me up..
or at least receive something cheeky that will infuriate me.
but again,
i think there's no reason why no one will not like him.

superficial

i'm superficial.
that's what i've learnt over the past semester from people who study me.
i suppose it's true as much as i hate to admit it.
i bitch about people i dislike, i have no respect for professors, and my eyes are automatically glued to the flashiest car.
and what do i do when decent smart guy appears infront of me? i ignore.
i bitch and ignore people revelling in my attention.
or so, people remind me.
people i've not paid much attention to, reminding me, giving me advice i will not heed.
i am.

choice

i hate making choices.
especially one that requires me to consider other people's feelings.

wrist

i'm being haunted by this image.

when i was first admitted to the hospital for an operation, i refuse to heed the doctor's advise and and crept out of my bed whenever i had the chance.
i was eight then.
carrying this little white bunny in a pink dress..
touring the corridors of the hospital.. using their handrail as a guide.
i remember i saw this little boy, older than me..
in a wheelchair. his hair was extremely short. he had an intelligent look.
but he was looking down on the floor. hard.
i approached him. curious to see what interested him.
curious to see if he had been naughty like me and hence fallen sick.
he looked up when i neared him, both of us ignoring the adults that were scurrying around.
he look at me. and i stared, as if amazed.
then i saw his hand.
from beneath the blanket.
i saw a bandaged wrist.
i saw the stained red streaks on his whole arm.
i saw him look at me.
with the same kind of melancholy i now have.
i saw me. now older, now looking at the me in the past.
looking at him.
i still dont understand.

combination

i have a feeling the warning message on the medicine label wasnt a joke.
no alcohol.
so i suppose i'm pretty screwed as usual..
damn it.
i didnt drink much.
i can hardly breathe.

i flunk my FM quiz and i dont feel anything.
people call me a bitch and i dont feel anything.
he refuses to meet me and i feel.

no dignity.
a future accountant - no dignity.
a woman - hahaha.
let me forget everything. start over.
let me not live a life detesting myself.
let me choose the path i want.
will you accept me again?

suicidal

i know this sounds suicidal-
but i'm half hoping someone will push me off the school building.
nanyang heights please.
i'm not kidding. period.
i dont want to survive with 2 broken ribs and a badly mangled leg.

sleepless

i fear to sleep even though i yearn for it.
the blanket's too warm.

it reminds me of how cold i feel.

anger

i get angry with myself.
yes i do.
the point is, when i think i'm stupid, then i suppose it's pretty hopeless.
no, i still dont understand why.
somehow i think.. perhaps the best way out, is to hide somewhere, and not come out till i know all forms of memories ceased to exist. but again, if i do know that, then it doesnt really make sense, does it?

i have haunting, senseless, recurring dreams.
of the past.
the moment i shut my eyes i see who i want to see; what i dont want to see.. a zombie-like existence of yesterday.
and it tortures me until the moment i force open my eyes.
i'm tired,
i'm tired of life,
i'm tired of these games,
i'm tired of my own complains;
but they never cease.
they refuse to cease. like my life.
i cant see beyond the miserable wretched life of mine.
i cant see beyond me.

selfish like an unborn child, failing to think for others.
causing pain.

this pain not physical.
this wound, not bleeding,
but it hurts the most.

Valentine 2005

what's valentine's day
without chocolates?
sigh

judged

i hate being judged.
my age, my bra size, the length of my skirt, my bitching skills.
no one can see beyond that.
i dont know why.
it's as if i'm turning shallow..
appearing to be a bimbo.
and the lack of intelligence.

that's why i'm scared.
when i age, when i fall, when i lose what i have.
how will you see me?
how can anyone see me?

it seems i have lost all dignity as a woman,
failed as a student, a daughter, a friend
and guess what?
i think i've failed me.
terribly.

name

i paused briefly when i saw that name.
i dont believe in such coincidences, but it appears that Singapore isnt exactly really big to begin with.
my ex-boyfriend. with another woman i know. do i care?
i probably wouldnt.
but somehow jealousy creeps in.
i havnt seen him for years.. i almost thought he disappeared.
i know that boyish features.
like this little boy i've known, now taller, now stronger, now more mature.
now barely recognising me.
and of all days, i have to see this man i used to love..
when i have a swollen face.

kakashi

Which Naruto Character are You?
quiz by orangeday.net

wisdom tooth

had my wisdom tooth extracted today.
all four of them.
so i opted for general anesthesia - not that the doctors gave me a choice anyway.
my doctor was gorgeous.
good looking guy with boyish features.. my type of guy.
haha
anyway..
i suppose the letting me k.o. part wasnt hard.
the waking up part was disatrous.
dont get me wrong. i was still feeling numb.. so i couldnt sense the pain.
i was awake. in the waiting room. after my operation.
then i overheard muffled voices.
when i was finally aware of what was going on, i realised
the woman beside me just went for an abortion.
she looked young. probably younger than me.
she didnt cry.
in fact she seemed firm.
but i did. for her unborn baby. my eyes were welling up.
the nurse thought i was in pain and ask me if i needed painkillers.
i could only shake my head.
an abortion.
that was the only thing that haunted me for the next four hours while i was warded.
only the presence of the good looking doctor cheered me up.
other than that, i would constantly flashback at what i heard.
the operation wasnt torturous.
the aftermath was.

lunar new year

what a beautiful thursday morning.. considering the fact that i woke up at 11, everything probably looks incredibly beautiful to me.
the 2nd day of the lunar new year.
so why am i blogging at home?

existence

i dont even feel alive.
no interest of any form in me.
no strength at all.

when did i become so weak?
so vulnerable?

perhaps when i couldnt detect my own existence.

pampered

i thought i've been badly pampered.
that's why i craved for attention when i grow older.
but when i met this tutorial mate of mine, i realised..
i see me in him.
somehow seeking for attention from those around him.
a childish naive side of him so eminent, i had the misconception that he never went through national serivce.
obviously i was wrong.
so while i was happily bitching about his insecurity,

i paused-

took a look at myself,

and cursed.

silence

the streets are deserted. occasionally the sound of a dangerous bike or a bus screeching to a stop, other than that, the silence feels almost overwhelmingly claustrophobic.. as if.. engulfing..
i cant think of a better word.
but again, i cant think.
these few days i've been furiously thinking.
the means versus ends ethics issues..

more importantly, can i keep up with my sanity?
people keep telling me i'm crazy.
i know i am.
it's almost as if i'm talking to myself half the time.
i wonder if i'll get hallucinations anytime soon.
i wake up in the middle of the night to realise i was sleeping.
somehow the reminder that the possibility that i may be insane doesnt help.
i walk around the mall looking at the same stuff at the same stores although knowing i've inspected the same kind of products over and over again.
i stare at my phone as if i'll rip it apart if it doesnt ring soon.
i sit up immediately when my phone vibrates at the other end of the room.
i dont know what's traumatising me.
somehow i seem to have a part of an erased memory..
like some sort of forgotten past.
but i see me. the same me in the mirror.
what can be so different?
i sleep every night waking up more tired than before -
as if my bed had been draining me of my energy.
and all of a sudden i detest this silence.
i detest this silence.
it drives me to think
to fear
to see
that perhaps..
just perhaps, i do have split personalities..
or maybe it's just because i cant decide to live my live in a logical or passionate way..
perhaps because i dont know what kind of life i want.
or is it?

perhaps i'll rather believe that i've lost my mind?
that doesnt sound very smart. does it?

me

what i hate about me:
i have a nasty temper
i'm stubborn
i have no respect for authority

seriously..
isnt that what i like about me?

perhaps i'm not really that sure anymore.
everyone could sense my rage in class.
i'm lucky the professor intercepted for me or i would have murdered someone on the spot.
not literally of course.

but i should learn to control and not feel so depressed and messed up when people attempt to put me down.

but if i really can master that, i'm going to change into another person.

re-read

read and re-read my intentions.
like an open book with no secrets, no tricks, no gimmicks.
is it so hard?
why cant people just look at the obvious?
why attempt to read further?
is it even ethical to know so much about someone you've barely known for 4 weeks?

jac

i'm beginning to see a different side of people around me.
take jac, for example.
i've always thought of him as aloof, playful, childish, and a natural-born joker.
now i think he's a mature young man.. and dead serious. even though he probably isnt aware of it.
and he doesnt believe me.
anyone wanna tell that to him?
i suppose i should be less harsh in contradicting his innovative ideas.
he has taught me a lot of things.
even though i have no idea how.. but somehow, it seems that i've grown to learn to appreciate him.

the presence of him only seemed to remind me of how flawed i am.
perhaps not.

escape

i'm fond of escaping.
when i was young, i would crawl into the closet when i was afraid or sad.
to hide in the dark enclosed area. it was warm, but i suppose that's partly the reason why i like to hide there.
then i would cry. in muffled choked sobs.
and i would sit there, crouched in there, motionless.
and i would tell myself to be brave. to not expose my flaws and invulnerability.
i feared. i despaired.
then as if to stop myself from crying or to keep myself sane, i would bite my own hand.
then the pain would overwhelm my fear.
and the teethmarks will remind me that i needed to wipe my tears, put on a mask, and walk back into the world again.

recently my tutorial mate caught me sinking my teeth into my hand.
and then i realised there was probably uncertainty in me.
or fear.
i do not know.
but i do know that my form of escape has to be different.
my closet can no longer sustain my weight.

but again.
where can i run to?